i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
