I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
