Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
