He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
