come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
