I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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