Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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