It's like a parade of train wrecks.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
