when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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