he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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