To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
