I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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