It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How does it feel to date your dad?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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