I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
