I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
