I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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