I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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