I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
