Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
