oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
