Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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