I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
