There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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