Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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