Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
