she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
