PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
