I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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