I like to think it a success when the cops are called
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
