I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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