just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
