i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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