She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
