the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Randomize
