I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
