you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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