im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
