so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
