Screwed.edu
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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