These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
