God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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