my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
