I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
