i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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