bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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