I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
