Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
