Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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