she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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