my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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