Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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